We’ve all heard of the Darwin Awards, the tongue in cheek nominations and fictitious awards given posthumously to those people that are just so grossly stupid that they depart this mortal coil in the most bizarre of fashions. But isn’t it about time that we extended that to the methods used by those devoid of a brain when destroying or breaking their social media platforms such as laptops, iPads, tablets or mobiles?

How to break a laptop

There seems to be many a varied story that people have expounded when bashfully admitting how they managed to crack that screen or total a laptop. The majority of these seem to involve one of three main facets – alcohol, accidents and attitude. I shall touch on a few of these methods here but for the sake of the street cred of those involved I shall refrain from naming and shaming.

Temper temper

A lot of stories involve temper tantrums whilst using the internet. As if it is the fault of the laptop that you have just discovered your partner is cheating on you as a schoolgirl in Pennsylvania found to her cost. Whilst browsing through Facebook she discovered a photo of her boyfriend playing a bit of tonsil tennis with one of her “best friends forever”. Obviously with a thought to a future career in the discus she decided to fling her Macbook with gusto and was surprised to find that not only did she fail to qualify for the US Olympic team but also that her screen had broken. There are countless stories of screens being punched or items being thrown at a laptop by those unable to keep their feelings in check.

Six pints of Carling and a Doner Kebab can only mean one thing

Now then, we’ve all enjoyed the odd evening out with friends and imbibed a tad too much alcohol but when you return home it’s probably best not to try and partake of a bit of surfing the web. As a student in Oxford found when he decided to chuck up the contents of his lamb kebab all over his keyboard. Funnily enough the guys who had the unenviable task of repairing this at the shop were not too chuffed with the noxious odours emanating from every port. Other bodily fluids (that I can mention) feature man’s best friend – the ever faithful dog. Some woofers just love to sprinkle their scent all over your precious iPad. But hey if you’re that stupid to leave it on the floor whose fault is it anyway?

Pillock of the Year Nominees

The last and most plentiful method by which we as web users can ruin our beloved laptops and iPads is by way of accidents or gross idiocy. Now most people realise that a table is a table, we can get away sometimes with using it as a footstool but never can we get away with using our laptop as the filling in the sandwich and resting our big hooves all over it. The screen will buckle and crack most times. You will find that the amount of damage caused is exponentially linked to the amount of burgers that you are able to consume in a single sitting.

The real danger of gaming

As we have begun to use our laptops more and more for gaming we have seen an increase in the mount of accidents involving ear phones or ear buds. Screens just don’t respond well to rough contact with your ear buds when you slam shut the laptop with the ear buds still resting on your keyboard. The screen will crack and when combined with the “my laptops a footstool” method of proving you really don’t deserve to be in Mensa you’ll end up totalling it. A solution will be beyond even the most diligent of laptop repair shops. Your device will have gone to laptop heaven and unless you can prove your worth to society then you may be up for a Darwin Award of your own if you’re not careful.

Sticky Fingers

By far the most common method for ruining a laptop is the simplest and that is a lack of care when drinking that cup of tea or coffee. Whether you are in your local Starbucks, Costa Coffee or just chilling at home with the laptop on the coffee table in front of you it doesn’t take a brain surgeon to realise that fluids and electronic circuits just don’t mix. You might get away with a visit to the repair shop if you just spill a little of the drink on the keyboard but if it starts to soak into the circuitry then you may find that not only is your parrot dead it is very definitely no more, shuffled off this mortal coil, defunct and gone to meet its maker.

Trust the Experts

Luckily most of the time you will be able to get things fixed if you know a friendly face in your local computer repair shop and most places will be able to tell you if they can repair things or if your laptop is “dead Jim”. But as with most things in life it really is easier to just care for it and be aware of the pitfalls that may befall you.